Prayer
by Merula
Summary: Major Sap, OOC, AU. A 1 and 2. Heero can't live without Duo. oneshot.


Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Warning- Major sap, WAFF and angsty stuff alert. May give you cavities. Don't say I didn't warn you... Oh, and yes, the Greeks and Romans really did what I describe in the story. Trust me- I teach history.  
  
It's been three days, twelve hours, forty minutes and 23 seconds since he left. I have not been able to eat, sleep, or even draw in a clean breath of air in all that time. It hurts too much. I'm bleeding inside, my life leeching away a bit at a time. I can only hope that it will be over soon, but I fear that it won't be.  
I look down at my sleeve. A hint of bandage shows through the top. It is only now starting to turn faintly pink. I must've wrapped it too tight. But I wanted one more day. One more day to wrap up my duty, one more day to see him again, even if it's only in passing at the Preventers HQ.  
I focus on the screen in front of me. This last report for Une and then I'll be finished. Everything else is taken care of, wrapped up, finished. Just like my life was when he left me.  
It's my fault he left. All mine. I've hurt him too many times, unable to overcome J's training. Unable to open myself up and tell him what he means to me. I hope he finds someone else. Someone who'll be able to love him the way he deserves. Someone who can tell him just how amazing and wonderful and beautiful he really is. I wish I had been able to do that for him.  
"Heero?" Wufei's voice. I turn towards the door knowing that he will not see my pain through the soldier's mask. He accused me yesterday of being unfeeling- he had been surprised when I had agreed with him. He's been tiptoeing around me ever since.  
"Yes?"  
"Une called a meeting. Something big is coming up and she wants all the pilots. Quatre and Trowa are on their way. We'll be meeting in 20 minutes in the conference room on the first floor." I won't be here by then. I'll be gone.  
"Hn." I turn my back on Wufei.  
"Heero?" His voice is tentative. "I told Une maybe it wasn't such a great idea- with you and Duo I mean. But it's important."  
"I realize that Wufei. Don't fret on Duo's account. He's a professional." I don't tell him not to worry on my account, since I know he's not worried about me. I hear his footsteps move on down the hall to Duo's office. A few moments later Duo's bright laugh rings out.  
My fingers stop on the keyboard as I listen. His laughter was always warming before, but now it's chilling to me. He's fine without me. Happier without me. I close my eyes for a moment, wrestling despair out of my expression. The report is almost finished. Once it's done, than I can be too.  
  
It's been three days, twelve hours and fifty minutes since I left him. My chest aches. How did I ever get the strength to leave him? I remind myself over and over that he didn't love me, didn't care that I was gone. But did that really matter? He let me stay with him, shared his bed with me, listened to me... I miss him so much.  
Wufei leans in my doorway and I give him my jester's grin. "What's up Fei?"  
"Une wants all the pilots down in the conference room in 15 minutes. Quatre and Trowa are on their way." I laugh.  
"Wow! It must be big to pull them in too!" I get up from my chair and tug on my Preventers jacket. Shit, I'll have to see Heero. Sit in a room with him and work with him. I can do this, I tell myself. It's not any different from back in the war when I used to worship him from afar. Then he let me do it close. Was it a mistake to leave him? He would've let me stay. It's not his fault that he can't love. Or is it just that he can't love me? Maybe he'll find someone he can love. I hope so, though that thought hurts me.  
I follow Wufei down the hall, teasing him about his girlfriend, asking about his plans for the weekend. He's not fooled by the jester's mask, but he knows that I need it so he plays along.  
We're the first ones in the conference room. I'm glad. I have time now to choose my place, get settled before Heero walks in. Jester's mask firmly in place, I lean back in my chair and wait.  
  
The report's finished. I send it off to Une and shut down my laptop. I close it carefully and stand up, leaving it on the desk. I brush a finger over the top of it and notice that I left a red smear. Good.  
I leave my office for the last time and make my way downstairs. I do not turn down the hallway towards the conference rooms, though I see Quatre and Trowa down that hall. I walk instead out towards the front of the building.  
"Heero!" A sharp voice snaps from behind me. I turn and see Lady Une standing there, her arms full of folders.  
"Yes Lady?"  
"The conference room is that way," she tilts her head to the side, a sardonic smile on her lips. "Have you forgotten?"  
"No Lady. But I won't be attending." She drops a file n her surprise and I reach down and hand it back to her. "I'm finished with the Preventers." She gapes at me.  
"Heero?"  
"Goodbye Lady Une. Thank you for letting me work here." I turn once again and make my way out of the building.  
  
It's almost time. Where is he? It's not like Heero to be late. My braid twists around my fingers as I fidget. He's never late. There is a mild stir at the door and I look up to see Trowa practically carry Quatre in and set him in a chair. The blond is ghost-white and shaking, clutching his chest.  
"Quatre?" Wufei and I are on our feet, joining Trowa in his frantic hover. "What's wrong with him?"  
"It hurts, it hurts so much!" Quatre tells Trowa, his voice broken and shaking.  
"His empathy kicked in the moment we walked in." Trowa looks at Wufei and I critically. "Are you two okay?"  
"It's not them," Quatre gasps out. "It's Heero. Where is he?"  
"He's supposed to be here," Wufei glances towards the door. "It's not like him to be late."  
"He's bleeding inside..." Quatre manages. "He's in pain... So much pain!" My heart lurches. Heero was in pain? Bleeding inside? Was it because of me? It couldn't be. I couldn't hurt him. Could I?  
"He was fine when I saw him upstairs," Wufei protests.  
"And since when has Heero ever shown his emotions?" Trowa counters. His next words hit me like a blow. "Just because he doesn't show them doesn't mean that he doesn't feel. You know that." I had known that, when had I forgotten it? Wufei was sputtering something back, but all I could focus on was Heero. What had I done to him?  
  
"What's wrong?" Lady Une drops her folders on the table.  
"His empathy. Heero's upset about something." Wufei explains.  
"I'll say he is," Lady Une says, her tone worried and sharp. "He just quit." We all look up at her.  
"What? Yuy wouldn't quit the Preventers," Wufei's tone is disbelieving.  
"He told me that he was finished with the Preventers," Lady Une replied. She glances down at the folders in front of her and her eyes widen in shock. She picks up one from the pile and I see that it is smeared with crimson. "It's the one I dropped... Heero picked it up."  
"Where did he go?" I demand.  
"I just saw him leave the building." I run out of the room, Wufei hot on my heels. Damn it, damn it, damn it! This is my fault!  
  
I manage the drive back to our...my apartment. The bandage is soaked with blood now and I leave smears on the steering wheel. I get out of the car and lean heavily on the door for a minute. No. This is not where I want to die. I want to die in the place I was happiest.  
I manage to make it to the apartment and get the door open. I don't lock it behind me- there's no point now. I pull off my jacket and drop it on the floor. My Preventers shirt follows.  
The bandage is visible now, wrapped from wrist to elbow, it's soaked with bright red. I fall onto the bed, intending to pull the bandage off but I'm too tired to bother. It won't take long now, even with the bandage on.  
Duo had told me about this practice among the Greeks and Romans. A slow way of committing suicide so that the last day could be enjoyed. I hadn't enjoyed my last day, but my duty was finished. Death would come for me soon. It might be too much to hope that he would look like his earthly incarnation- but if he did, I would accept his embrace more than willingly. I closed my eyes and let the scent of the sheets around me fill my senses. Duo's scent.  
  
Heero's car is gone. "Where would he go?" Wufei asks me.  
"I don't know!" I tell him, desperate. "Home maybe?"  
"We'll try it." Fei practically throws me in his car. I'm sure we break several speed limits racing to the apartment.  
To my short-lived relief, Heero's car is in it's space. We park next to it, in mine, and jump out. I register the streak of crimson on the driver's side door of Heero's car. It was startling against the white.  
I am on my feet and running towards the apartment before I even think about it, Wufei is right behind me, his cell phone out, calling for medics. The door flies open when I throw myself against it. Heero hadn't locked it. He always locks it!  
He's on the bed, a blood-soaked bandage wrapped around his arm. His eyes are closed and he is pale- too pale. I lean over him feeling for a pulse as Wufei snaps directions into the phone.  
His pulse is weak, but it is there. Wufei finishes and hangs up, leaning over the bed and using the sheets to apply more pressure to Heero's arm.  
"Heero! Heero?" I call, hearing the panic in my voice as I beg him to answer me. His eyes open a little and to my complete surprise, he smiles at me.  
"You do look like Duo," he murmurs. "I'm so glad."  
"Heero, you have to stay with me," I tell him, disturbed by his ramblings.  
"I know I do. I was waiting for you," his voice is faint, and he isn't making any sense. At least, until he utters the last word: "Shinigami." My breath catches in my throat. He thinks I'm death. He's waiting for death.  
"Heero," Wufei speaks sharply. "The EMTs will be here soon." Heero looks at Wufei, that strange smile not leaving his face.  
"It's too late Fei," he replies, his voice softer than before. "Shinigami's here for me."  
"No!" I touch Heero's cheek gently, panic rising inside me. "I'm Duo. Shinigami's not here. He hasn't come for you. He won't, Heero, I won't let him." His hand reaches up to my face, pushing my bangs out of my eyes.  
"My Duo," the words are so soft that I have to strain to hear them. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could've been what you wanted." His eyes close before I can speak.  
Then I am shoved out of the way by the EMTs as they go to work on him. I can only stand here, watching them work over my lover, praying to the only god I know not to take him from me.  
  
I am in a strange place. It is a field of green stretching as far as I can see. The sky above me is a beautiful light blue.  
"Heero," I turn to find Duo standing next to me, a smile on his lips, his eyes sparkling with merriment.  
"Duo?" He shakes his head.  
"No."  
"Shinigami," I try again, and this time he nods.  
"You look like Duo."  
"Isn't that what you expected?" He chuckles.  
"So I'm dead?"  
"Not quite," he answers. "Do you want to be?" I blink at him. "I know, I know," the grin on his lips is Duo's familiar grin, "you did it to yourself. But before you decide, there's something you need to know."  
"What's that?" He raises a hand to me, reaching up to cup my ear and suddenly it is Duo's voice I hear, a frantic litany:  
"Don't take him! Please don't take him too! You've taken everyone else, everyone else I love. Not Heero too! Please, please- do this for me. You owe me damn it! Not Heero! Please! Leave me Heero!" Shinigami lowers his hand. I am shaking. Duo sounded so desperate, so frantic with fear. What had I done to him?  
"He's right. I do owe him." The grin is gone now. "I didn't think you'd do this to him, Heero. You seemed strong enough to stay with him."  
"He left me," I admit.  
"Because you couldn't tell him how you felt. Why Heero? Was the conditioning that deep? Are those words so hard to say? Or is it just that you didn't want him to hurt you? Or is it that you don't feel you deserve him?" He slides his arms around me, holding me tight against him in a comforting embrace. "Or is it all of those?"  
"Yes," I relax into his embrace, realizing that he's right. I had let all those things get in the way of what was important- my love for Duo. "It seems so- stupid of me now."  
"Death has a way of making all those things seem stupid," he laughs in my ear. "He needs you, Heero."  
"Duo needs me," I agree. "And I need him. Is it too late to go back?" Shinigami lets me go, smiling.  
"No." He steps back a little ways. "Take good care of him for me, Heero." And the world goes black.  
  
I sit by Heero's bedside, watching the monitors, listening to the beeps. His chest rises and falls in steady breaths, but he still hasn't woken up. He has lost a lot of blood, and the doctors have stabilized his condition the best they can. I simply sit, watching him breathe, hoping he won't stop.  
He lets out a soft sound and I sit up in my chair, leaning over him. His eyes open and after a moment, he focuses on me.  
"Shinigami?" He asks softly.  
"No, Heero. It's me- Duo."  
"Duo," he smiles gently at me. "I'm glad to see you."  
"Not half as glad as I am to see you," I brush his bangs out of his face. "I was worried. I thought I had lost you." He reaches up with his unbandaged arm and takes my hand in his.  
"I thought I had lost you," he echoes, and presses my hand to his lips. "Stay with me, Duo? I'll be better, I promise."  
"You don't have to be better," I tell him fiercely. "This is my fault, not yours. I know that you have trouble expressing your feelings."  
"No," he shakes his head at me. "The fault is mine. I love you, Duo, and I should've said it from the beginning."  
"Really?" I can't help asking. He smiles.  
"Yes. I love you and I need you." He kisses my hand again. "And you need me."  
"Yes," I agree.  
"I promised him that I'd take care of you and I will." Heero's eyes meet mine for a moment before he blinks sleepily. "I'm tired."  
"Rest then love. I'll be here when you wake up." He closes his eyes, his hand still firmly holding mine. He drifts to sleep and I send one final prayer up to my deity, thanking him for sparing Heero. 


End file.
